Who’s up for a bit of bingo?
One of the careers I seem to have fallen into since leaving the police is advising crime writers and TV drama makers so their policing and crime scenes, and their characters, are as authentic as possible. I work with around 200 authors and have advised on about a dozen TV dramas and each brings their own challenges. My goal is to help them achieve credibility without sacrificing the drama they need and the reader/viewer demands.
That makes me quite an irritating person to watch drama with which got me wondering whether you might like to play the same game that I do from time to time in spotting the most common errors that make me twitch and detract from, rather than enhance, good stories. So, when you’re next watching a TV drama or reading a crime novel, see how many of these howlers you tick off.
Armed Police and the Wrong Rank
Detectives and general officers in England, Wales and Scotland carrying guns. You get double points for this as it is such a crazy and avoidable faux pas that no self-respecting writer should ever include it. It’s surprising how often a TV detective pulls from their desk drawer a Smith and Wesson .357 Magnum to go and tackle the bad guy with.
Officers above the rank of sergeant interviewing murder suspects. This opens the door to a whole host of rank-related faux pas where writers seem to conflate seniority with competence. As I’ve often said, were that the case I would never have reached chief superintendent.
Forensics at Boomerang Speed
DNA results coming back within the hour. There are ways to fast-track the identification of whose blood, hair or skin cells etc. has been found, but some writers will have you believe it’s at boomerang speed.
Police obtaining arrest warrants to detain murder suspects. Thankfully, the Police and Criminal Evidence Act is all the authority cops need. That saves an awful lot of admin.
Police refusing to accept a report of a missing person during the first twenty-four hours. If something dreadful has happened to them, that immediately puts the police a day behind the perpetrators and the evidence. No system would design that in.
Detectives casually fiddling with mobile phones or other digital devices they find. Without the skills and right equipment, that compromises all the digital evidence. Trained people using the correct kit is the way that is done.
Crime Scene Howlers
Detectives traipsing round crime scenes in their designer jeans and polos, protected only by nytril gloves and overshoes. Everyone must wear full forensic barrier suits, complete with hoods and masks. DNA transfers, even from and to the lead actors.
How Real Detectives Behave
Family liaison officers who just dole out tea and sympathy. Empathy is key but FLOs are seasoned investigators who gently elicit lines of enquiry from bereaved relatives while providing appropriate support and information. They are not babysitters.
Overt police officers suddenly working undercover on their own investigations. These are covert tactics and they are called that for a reason. Only specially selected, trained and carefully deployed officers go under cover and they are kept very separate from other detectives.
Senior officers barking orders, rebuking people in public and calling everyone by their surnames. Police stations are workplaces, and normal workplace rules and etiquette apply.
And if a ranking officer has to remind their staff who’s the boss, they have lost the last vestiges of authority and respect they might have commanded.
The Perfect CCTV Fantasy
The full, panoramic footage of the crime, its run-up and aftermath being beautifully depicted in one continuous unedited CCTV track. Trawling CCTV is like wading through a million jigsaw pieces when you only need a hundred but with no guarantee you have even those.
Play Along at Home
I wonder how many you’ll spot. Sorry if you become as much an anti-social TV companion as me, huffing and tutting at every unnecessary error. I don’t blame the writers as I’m sure I would make an equal hash of writing brain surgery scenes, but most of these can be fixed with just a little research and checking. I do try to be benevolent when watching for pleasure but will never forgive mute uniform cops standing in the corner of an interview room with the bosses watching the grilling through one-way glass.
I originally wrote this for my weekly column in The Argus, published on Saturday, 4th July 2026.
